Afraid
by cuddlefishprince
Summary: What happened to Soji when he went to hospital? What were Hijikatas thoughts and feelings for him? I kept a little closer to the original history details to write this sad fanfiction comission.
1. Chapter 1

_So this is some H/C | Drama | History Shinsengumi Fanfic I wrote a couple years ago. (As a comission)_  
_I got bored on my all-holiday train ride and due to the fact that I couldn't get ideas for my Drabble collection, I translated it into proper English._  
_I didn't even remember writing this, I hope it's not to late.. _

**Warnings:** Contains a lot of sad moments, character death, war flashbacks. Don't like don't read.

* * *

Afraid.

* * *

"I wonder if you even had a fair chance..."

It was a cloudy, grey day when he went off to the Matsumoto Ryoujin hospital. I would have loved to follow him.  
Now, that I know what was wrong with him, I didn't want to leave him alone with it. But I didn't have a choice at all. The Boshin war left to many corpses, to many crying children. If I went with him I would have been a traitor to all of them. And I couldn't forgive myself for that.

_"I wonder if he cared for me as well..."_

I watched him leaving the headquarter in Edo. His body vanished in the burning evenings horizon and everything on my mind was his face. Even though it changed, he never lost his smile during that time. Whatever has happened to us, Soji kept this strong smile of his.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Sister...", he murmured half-asleep. His long, black hair fell over his body like a veil. It covered half his face, the futon, and his shoulders. The rooms door opened. A man in a grey yukata entered, carrying a tray with hot water and tea. _  
_"Okita Sojiro Kaneyoshi", he said, sighed, and continued, "How are you today?"_  
_Soji lifted his body, took a proper seat, smiling. _  
_"Better..." But he was cut off bya caugh-attack. Obnoxious caughs, taking his voice, taking his breath. It threw him to the ground. _  
_"Here."_  
_The man in grey put the tablet down in front of Soji and covered his mouth with a piece of clothing. _  
_"Furthermore, this was meant for you."_  
_He pulled a envelope out of his sleeve and left it on the tatami like dropping a secret. _  
_Soji took the deep black envelope in both hands. _  
_His eyes welled up with tears. It was a present from HIM._  
_"Hijikata-san..."_  
_His voice was trembling. He didn't even recognize that the doctor left the room. Soji went to another world. The world of a warrior. _  
_He opened the envelope. A letter. a letter from Toshizo. _  
_A book full of Haiku. Hijikata's Haiku. And a white ribbon..._

* * *

I began to wonder, if there even was a little piece of hope for him. Maybe they already covered him into white sheets and he had lost his smile forever. But I knew him way too well. He wouldn't give up. He would fight it. And then I saw him, right in front of me, Okita Soji. With his posessed, piercing eyes and his tied-up hair. with the Kikuichimonji Norimune.

I took a stand.  
"What's the matter?", Isami asked. I let his words fade away, leaving the room.

It was a clear night. Full moon. I recieved a letter from Soji. He had left the Matsumoto Ryojun and went to a tavern with his sisters and their children. Even now, he denied it. I knew how it would end. I imagined him, writing this letter, smiling. Even though he knew I would find out about it, one day. Even though he had tuberculosis. I knew he would die. Should I leave, stay by his side and commit seppuku after his death, or should I stay at the headquarter, unable to catch a single, clear thought?


	3. Chapter 3

_"Hijikata-san..."_  
_"Sojiro, what's wrong?", his elder sister Rintarou asked._  
_Mitsu poked her in the side and hissed: "Stop it!"_  
_Soji tried to smile at them, even a little._  
_"It's allright."_  
_Mitsu got up and left the room. She couldn't show her tears to the dear brother who was fighting for more time. _  
_"Rintarou... You know why I wanted you to come here, and that's why I want you to do something for me..."_  
_His voice was getting husky from suppressing the caugh attacks and he fought the tears to take over, when he thought about the faces of his mates in the Shinsengumi. _  
_"I want you to take care of Hijikata-san, when the war is over. And of Saizou. I don't want you to shed tears for something that isn't your fault."_

* * *

It was a dumb idea. But I had to see him. There was no other choice. It was Soji. Okita Soji. I made this out of him, he became that demon of his unit because of me. When there was one person to say goodbye to him, it was me. Only me.

That night, on May 30th 1868 I rode through the moon-lit Edo, searching for a man who raised the Shinsengumi to what it was now.  
"Soji!"

* * *

_He dragged himself through the night, wrapped in the uniform of his, which got heavier and heavier step by step. He looked up to the night sky. The sand scrunched under his wooden geta. His sisters and their children, he had sent them away some time ago. He would feel a lot better, he told the children. But he knew, he was close to the end of his lives road. He fought the illness for days, tried to escape his fate, but he couldn't run from death. _  
_"I die as I lived for it. For the Shinsengumi...", he murmured to himself, while stroking the soft, blue surface of the uniforms hatori. For one last time, he would draw his sword, the Kikuichimonji Norimune. _  
_"I wonder if he took such good care of you if I'd let him?"_


	4. Chapter 4

When I arrived at the tavern, the already shut down the lights. It was silent, but when I dashed in, I could hear a well-known sound. Sojis caughing. He was still alive!  
I followed the sound to the curtilage. There he knelt, on the sandy ground, his body braced on his swords hilt.  
"Soji!", I shouted, unsure if he could hear it.  
Caughing. Even by night, I noticed the deep red blood, dripping to the ground.  
"Hijikata-san..?"  
I wanted to get closer, but he shouted at me, "Stay away!"  
I didn't care at all. I moved closer.  
"Don't come that close, I don't want you to see me like that..."  
Whatever he said, I was unattached.  
I played roulette with my place at the Shinsengumi, my life, just to be with him. It was a wonder I made it. I couldn't leave him now.  
I knelt down beside him, wrapped an arm around his shoulders.  
"Soji, let go. There's no need to fight anymore. It's over. The war is over!"  
A metallic sound. The sword fell down. I wrap the other arm around him. Hug him.  
I can see how his eyes loose their light. See them emptying.  
"I am proud of you. Proud of you for your fighting. We wouldn't have won without you. I hope you know."  
"But... Hijikata-san.. I wasn't with you on the battlefield.."  
I pulled him closer into the hug.  
"I know, but you made me remember to do the right thing, otherwise I wouldn't have come here."  
"Hijikata-san... Thank you.. For everything."  
Then it got silent again. His breath stopped. No more caugh attacks. No more blood.  
The weight of his empty body pinned both of us to the ground. I saw his face. Saw the gentle smile. Even now. I felt a little relief, that he was with me. Even though I knew, his heart had stopped beating a while ago, I kept talking to him for a while.  
"Soji... You know, Tetsunoske asked me about you.. Do you remember that rainy day, when you convinced me to keep him? We wouldn't have made it that far without him. And it was you who found the talent in that stubborn, little boy. I should have told you earlier, but it was you who got us that far.", I tried to smile, but I failed. I wasn't as strong as him. So I kept telling him about the Boshin war. Till the sunset, when his skin got cold. Then I couldn't fight the tears anymore.  
"I hope, you can help us with the western troups as well... You are still our best man on the sword..."  
I sobbed. And I hated myself for that. I hated the sadness. But even more I hated myself for feeling it. Ipulled the white ribbon out of his hair, opened the ponytail. He didn't need to be the demonic warrior anymore. He didn't need to fight anymore.  
"... And tell Yamanami we miss him, yeah?"  
...

"I love you."


	5. Chapter 5

_My arms got limb, but I kept the sword close. It was everything I could hold on, in the end. The world around me turned in circles, making me feel too dizzy to think clear. And in my throat I felt the blood stowing. Caughing never felt that heavy before. Even though I learned how to suppress it, it felt to heavy in there, not to. _  
_Then I heard a familiar voice. Hijikatas voice. Somewhere in the sea of colors around me, I can see him. _  
_"Soji!", he shouts. _  
_I beg him not to, but he moves closer towards me, wraps his arms around me. His snug, warm arms. He says something I can't understand. I loose control over my own hands and let go off the sword. _  
_"I am proud of you. Proud of you for your fighting. We wouldn't have won without you. I hope you know."_  
_"But... Hijikata-san.. I wasn't with you on the battlefield.."_  
_He hugs me closer. His body is really warm..._  
_"I know, but you made me remember to do the right thing, otherwise I wouldn't have come here."_

_I can't tell him now, I can't feel my lips anymore. I want to tell him that I am afraid of dieing. I never told him, but I am scared of it._

_My breath stops and my memory messes with me. I see Yamanami, comitting seppuku. I am not even sure if this really happened, or if it's just a dream. _  
_I can hear Tetsu swearing, as he cleans the Dojo. He stumbles over a piece of clothing. I sit down next to him and tell him a story. But I can't hear what I tell him._

_I see myself as a little child.I am holding the raw first sword I had and cried. Hijikata is there and tries to calm me down._

_Saizou walks over the headquarters yard, a bone in his mouth, like a dog. It's a warm day. No need for socks in the geta. Hijikata opened the dor to his room and writes a paper for Kondo. _  
_Everything is peaceful._

_A day at the temple with the kids from town. It's winter and we build a snow-samurai. And a snow-princess. My hands touch the cold snow..._  
_It's the day of Ikedaya. We rush into the building, blood splatters. The Ronin try to flee, but the sword judges all of them. One after another looses their head._

_A festival. The firework. We climbed up to the rooftops of the headquarter and watch the colors burst._

_Tetsunoske brings me sweets to my bedroom, Hijikata watches him with annoyed eyes._

_I am reading Hijikatas Haiku collection. Tetsu joins me. We laugh about it._

_It gets cold and silent. And dark. I can hear Hijikata breathing. I want to ask him about the Boshin war. I just want to hear his voice._

_"Soji... You know, Tetsunoske asked me about you.. Do you remember that rainy day, when you convinced me to keep him? We wouldn't have made it that far without him. And it was you who found the talent in that stubborn, little boy. I should have told you earlier, but it was you who got us that far."_

_Then, everything melts with the silence and darkness around me. Even I. _  
_I see them once more. Tetsunoske, Hijikata, Heisuke, Shinpachi, Yamanami, Kondo, Hajime, Sonosuke, Susumu, Saizou, Ayumu..._  
_And I can see them crying on Ayumus funeral.._  
_Then I can see them, right in front of me, in their uniforms, how they smile, how tey fight. For everything we live for. I smile at them, even though I am sure, this is my imagination. But it helps. It helps me to accept it. _  
_Goodbye Shinsengumi, I hope, I'll be reborn._  
_As one of you. _  
_Goodbye, Hijikata-san. I love you._

_"I love you."_


	6. Chapter 6

Okita Sojiro Kaneyoshi, Leader of the 1st unit, died at the night of May 30th, 1868.  
On May 18th, 1869 Hijikata Toshizo, meanwhile Leader of Edos Shinsengumi, died in a fight against the western troups.

_"I don't fight to win this war. The gouvernment of Togukawa is close to their dawn. It's a shame not wanting to go down with it. That's why I am leaving. I want to fight the battle of my life, even if I vanish on the field like my country will."_

**- The End.**

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**Authors note:**

****Thank you very much for reading this.  
I know it's not a popular series, but a really good one.

I wrote this while working on an important essay about the Shinsengumi.  
I felt so sorry for Soji and Hijikata in the Series and I cried even harder when I found out about the real history of them.

The translation took me a train ride and a night, so I apologize for mistakes.  
Maybe this is the saddest fic I ever wrote... I am sorry for taking the death scenes so long and twice.

I hope you enjoyed it.  
- _Cuddlefishprince_


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